9/27/18

Dear Tom,

Dear Tom,

How are you? I actually don’t care, but I’m uncontrollably and inconsolably upset today, and you’re the reason why thanks for asking.

You, Tom, are a pseudo-“woke” privileged, tech-dude rapist, who is no better than Brock Turner or Brett Kavanaugh.

You knew what you did was wrong. And if you say you didn’t, you must think I’m stupid.

When someone is so drunk they puke, it’s game over. I know that you know that I did not want to have sex that night. You knew that.

Regina taught you better than that.

24 years on this earth should’ve taught you better than that.

I’ll never forget that morning as I was coming back to reality in the early hours of the morning, I felt like I was hit by a train – I was lying on your sheets, startled when I realized that they were soaked with my blood. You were holding me like someone who cares about someone would, and then you said in a scratchy morning voice, “I can’t believe you convinced me to fuck you.”

I hadn’t even realized at that point that I had sex. But I soon realized I did not have sex, you had sex with me. You tricked me, you used me, and you’ve broken a part of my spirit. My spirit and my enthusiasm are the sparkliest things about me, and you broke a part of it, and honestly, I hope you feel shitty about that.

I was poked and prodded in an uncomfortable hospital room having a doctor administer my rape kit as you were probably getting high and playing video games. Oh for your information, they found a tampon lodged extremely inside of me, a physical sign that I did not consent to what you did to me.

I cried and screamed at night feeling trapped in a physical shell that is my body, while you probably swiped aimlessly on tinder for a girl to trick and use.

A year and a half later, I’m still picking up the pieces and fighting back tears at work, while you’re probably at the kurig machine and shooting the shit, talking about weekend plans with Greg who works with you in IT. Fuck you, dude.

The thought of you makes me cry. You haunt my thoughts and continue to take so much from me that you don’t even know.

You’re the worst because you think listening to Angel Olsen, living in Bushwick and donating to Planned Parenthood here and there make you a “good person,” when truly, you’re an inauthentic liar and rapist.

I’m working on forgiving you someday for me, not for you. I’m not there yet.

I know you’ll never be able to fully understand how you’ve hurt me, and maybe you don’t care, but if at all you do, know that it really really really sucks and I hope you feel bad for being the monster that you are.

Sincerely,
A very very sparkly person.

7/9/18

The Smell of The Summer


This is a post I wrote in a blog writing class of mine during the summer of 2016 (the summer with the broken foot lol).

As I hobble down the cobbled and uneven streets of SoHo with uncomfortable crutches and a medical boot on my right foot, I’m hit with a sweet, filthy scent of nostalgia. Carefully walking over a subway grate, a cloud of subway exhaust that smells vaguely marshmallow-y surrounds me. It’s so strange that this dirty, chemical-filled puff, that is actively destroying my lungs, will without a doubt always bring a smile to my face.

This specific scent instantly brings me back to my first summer in New York City. I was a 14-year-old metal-mouth who convinced my mom to allow me to tag along on my sister’s journey to theatre school all the way from Honolulu. My mom and I would wander around the city without much to do, while I soaked in every New York minute imaginable. "Showtime" kids on the subway dazzled me, I coveted my yellow metrocard, and the bright lights of Times Square had me in awe (the colorful smells, not so much).

I dreamt of a life where this was my reality. It was easy you see, in my dream life I would have an amazing job that made me tons of money, a boyfriend who looked like a Jonas Brother, and an apartment on top of a Dunkin Donuts, it would all be perfect.

While I currently struggle to walk from my Brooklyn apartment (with no outlets in the bathroom) to my customer service job (where yes, I do wear a headset), it’s very easy to be discouraged. This clearly wasn’t the New York that my 14-year-old self would’ve signed up for. And while I constantly worry that New York is turning me into a jaded asshole, every time I get a wiff of the smelly ole subway exhaust I’m reminded that New York can occasionally be pretty sweet, and no matter what, 14-year-old Caelan would be totally “freaking excited” to be here, crutches and all.

7/6/18

INSTAGRAM MAKES ME SAD.

Hey Pussycats,

ENJOY DIS VID

Here are the links to everything I talked about in this video: Rainbow Smiley Hook Latch Kit: https://bit.ly/2uaR6Vv Astrology Embroidery Kit: https://etsy.me/2KPfKFA Monstera Embroidery Kit: https://amzn.to/2NxNhCK Water Color set: https://amzn.to/2IYJT0g

Pls feel free to leave a comment anywhere you like about how you distract yourself from day to day sad vibes.

LOVE AND SASS
KK

6/24/18

Depression and Trauma SUCK

Hey guysssss,

This was REALLY REALLY hard to make, but I feel a lot better that I did. If you wanna chat feel free to contact me in the comments, on Instagram or through the contact button on this blog. We're gonna be alright.

6/7/18

~Lif3 uPd8 2018~


HEY, PUSSYCATS! It's been awhile.

Here is a lil video explaining where I've been for the past couple of years. I've missed this community and you all so terribly so let's start making content again? Okay? I'M SO READY FOR THIS!

Keep it sassy,
KK

8/5/17

SUMMERTIME SUCKS

Hey Pussycats,

SO, I know I didn't post yesterday or the day before, BUT I HAVE EXCUSES.

I started writing this really funny piece on Thursday that I actually think I'm going to try to pitch to some places, which is kinda the whole point of this experiment, right? I am currently in this spot where I'm being forced to "freelance" so I need all the money I can get tbh.

Which leads me to why I didn't post on Friday...bleh

Basically, I lost my full-time job because of a lack of budget and now I'm in this weird in-between where I have a weekend gig and a freelance gig but I'm DESPERATELY searching for a full-time gig.

You guys, I've been in this weird in-between for basically three months now and it is TERRIBLE.

I'm extremely lucky for having the support system that I do and that I moved into a cheaper apartment before all this happened because if not I would be back home by now, for sure.

As mentioned previously, this has been a very tough year for me. And I've gone through the ringer being forced to reflect on myself, my and others actions and what has happened this year and the biggest conclusion I've come to is that life is just not fair.

I know this sounds obvious to most of you, but being the headstrong Aquarius that I am, I'm OBSESSED with fairness and justice. So the fact that life has been putting me through the ringer has been really frustrating to me because I don't know how to navigate it. I've bought Wiccan candles and I've been in therapy and I've been trying to pray and all sorts of different measures to ensure that my luck will change, but I guess I've just realized that sometimes things just happen because they happen.

WOW, this is depressing. And tbh, my depression has half to do with my job situation and half to do with a personal emergency that happened earlier in this year that I'm simply not ready to talk about publically, but if I'm being so honest, I'm very sad and very frustrated rn.

It's not that I feel like I deserve a nice and easy life, no one is entitled to that, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that if something really bad happens to you, that the universe will continue throwing you good and bad things completely random despite your trauma.

Yesterday I got another job rejection that just cut me to my core, this specific job lead me on like a bad unofficial boyfriend for MONTHS and just let me know that they probably don't have the budget for me.

I'm just SO frustrated because I just want a job. I want a 9-5, I want to buy fancy pens and a new planner – I just want to feel like my old self again. I just want to work towards something again and have personal goals for myself again and instead, I feel like I'm getting cabin fever held up in my tiny apartment.

I have no money and WAY too much time, and I know I'm lucky for that because free time is a privilege that not a lot of people have, but at this point, I feel like it's driving me INSANE and all I want is to be too busy to function.

I want to feel like the old Caelan again and I feel like for whatever reason the universe has forced me to change and is now forcing me to be reflective and I'm OVER it.

Have you ever been out of a job? It BLOWS. If you have any tips for me that would be GREATLY appreciated.

I hate writing these sort of journal-y type posts that don't end on a happy note because I'm not trying to totally depress y'all. My intention here is to just be very very honest because social media can be so fake at times, and that's coming from someone who loves it.

SO THAT BEING SAID, send me some suggestions of your favorite things to do in the summer when you're sad. I'm just so sensitive and little rn, I need all the suggestions I can GET.

Also, I promise fun and silly posts are on the horizon!

Keep it sassy,
xoxo
Caelan

8/2/17

14 Things I Learned From My Oldest Sister Devon

Hello Pussycats,

It's officially Leo season and one of my most favorite Leo's of all time HAPPENS to have a birthday today.

SO in honor of my gorgeous oldest sister Devon and her amazing birthday, I thought I'd compile a list of 14 things she has taught me over the years of our friendship and sisterhood. I'd be nowhere without her, she is a STAR. The list is not only a reminder for me about how much I've learned from her, but I'd also like to pass her wisdom forward for anyone who doesn't happen to have a big sister.

14 Things My Oldest Sister Has Taught Me:
  1. You can get away leaving the house without any eye makeup as long as you wear red lipstick and GINORMOUS sunglasses
  2. Juicy tracksuits will NEVER go out of style
  3. Elliot Smith RULES
  4. Cutting out toxic friendships, no matter how long the friendship was is NECESSARY
  5. TARGET RULES
  6. The road to self-acceptance should be paved with tiny bikinis, travel sized bottles of malibu, overpriced beach towels, and NO FUCKS GIVEN.
  7. Sometimes you fall out of love with hobbies and interests, and that's okay!
  8. If you don't have a pair of brown cowboy boots in your closet, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
  9. Just eat the damn donut
  10. It's okay to cry and to cry often. Cry when you're happy, cry when you're sad, sometimes you just need to.
  11. Even if you're 5 years apart in age, a mutual love of yodeling Cranberries songs will bring ANYONE together (even if one is an angsty teen and the other is an ANNOYING tween).
  12. If there is a clothing or makeup item that you love, buy 2...or 3 (or however many you will need for the nuclear holocaust).
  13. If you take care of the things you love (home, relationships, vintage clothing) they will last forever
  14. There are no blues that a long care drive can't cure (esp in her purple Toyota Tacoma).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEVON.
I miss you all day, every day and wish I could celebrate this birthday with you (you'll be visiting me in NY soon enough).

Keep it sassy Devon!!
xoxo
Caelan