|PC: Jhune Li|
DEAR PUSSYCATS, I AM FRUSTRATED.
I told you all that I'm going to be a lot more honest with you guys on this blog and I'm going to document everything that is going on in my just-moved-to-New-York-Living-on-my-own-21-year-old-world so here it goes. Moving to New York, I had this preconceived idea that I would be living the Empire State building-Cosmopolitan drinking-Carrie Bradshaw-wet dream-fantasy and I think with this blog I've done a pretty good job of convincing you all that I'm doing that. When I went home briefly I was bombarded with sweet comments from people around me, saying things like, "omg you've made it!" and "look at you, Carrie Bradshaw" which made want to sink into my turtleneck and explain that I really haven't done much of that at all. Today I will finally admit to you how I am actually living and crush all your dreams of me eating brunch every day, drinking Cosmos and stumbling around Time Square in thousand dollar heels.
First things first, I'm not living in Manhattan anymore, I'm living in the most Southern part of Brooklyn, in a tiny primarily Italian and Greek neighborhood called Bay Ridge. Bay Ridge is as humble as it is not exciting, everyone is over the age of 60 and whenever I buy beer the Walgreens employees see my Hawaii ID and ask "why are you here?" While I'm happy I live in a safe neighborhood, I have a 40 to an hour-and-a-half long commute into the city everyday and I find myself feeling like I'm constantly on the subway, which is a massive timesuck and takes a toll on your psyche, (there are only so many games of Solitare you can play). When my city-friends want to take the subway one stop to get closer to where we are trying to go, I literally want to pull all of my hair out, I swear the MTA workers know who I am and it's sad.
Secondly, I'm working retail again. Yes, I know. Now you can start shaking your head. I needed a job because I realized quickly my summer internship at BUST wasn't going to turn into anything, and I jumped on the first job I found. As you might've remembered, I quit my job at Nordstrom because I was OVER retail, and guess what pussycats, I'm STILL over it. The retail industry is such bullshit, we force people to buy things they don't need through verbal manipulation, while people breath down our necks about what strategies we could do differently to increase our sales. I'm sorry but I care as much about retail as I care about Taylor Swifts new album, (which is absolute ambivalence). The girls at work don't particularly like me which is apparent, and passive aggressive (yay!) and I'm so tired of coming home from work feeling completely under-appreciated and not liked. (okay, I'm a millennial, you can roll your eyes at me). I've dealt with people who didn't like me for being myself, (loud and obnoxious) for my entire life, it just sucks when I don't actually have to be here, yet I'm finically obligated to be there. For once I would just like a job where I was appreciate for the person I am, and actually be able to use the skills I've acquired from my degree and my natural ability to talk and use it for good.
Thirdly, my latest internship is not what I expected at all. I've been writing articles for free and getting 0 feedback, nothing has been published and I'm just frustrated with the whole thing. I want to be a writer, I want to be the best intern possible, but not being able to go into a physical space and communicate directly is probably my biggest problem with this whole thing.
Fourthly, I'm completely behind on my online classes. And then I get anxiety about it, but I'm trapped at work and am forced to space a clothing rack for the 284029024 time that day, while I could actually be doing something productive and important. Instead I'm trapped in my own head, while my coworkers ignore me and I feel like a sims character that has been walking into a wall for the past 6 hours. Then my anxiety gets so bad on my days off that I don't even wanna start what I have to do and I get further and further behind on my school work, which causes me to want to hide under my comforter forever and pretend I don't exist. (look forward to a future post on this subject).
Fifth(ly?), You may or may not know, I'm single again, which is fine. But I'm also living without my mom, dad or sisters for the first time ever and I'm fucking lonely. I've been forcing myself to go on countless tinder dates, which have made for some pretty great stories, but haven't helped anything. I feel this void in my heart that I keep trying to fill with constant human interaction, forcing myself to ask my coworkers about their trips to the Hamptons (which, for the record, I do not care about) or keep my roommate in the living room as long as possible just to not feel the silence. I've been going on date after date, and despite some of these guys being cute and nice, I feel nothing. Talking to my family on the phone or facetime and getting sympathetic texts from my friends back home is great and all, but when I hang up sometimes I just burst into tears because I can't just get a hug thus making me feel even more lonely.
Sixth, I keep trying to pick myself up from my bootstraps, do better, and have my Elle Woods moment where she buys the computer in her Playboy bunny costume, but for some reason I cannot. I keep wanting to get my shit together and be the Carrie Bradshaw that everyone expects me to be (or at least that I hope I could be) but I keep just fucking up bumbling all over the place. I feel more that opening scene of an episode of The Office with Kevin and he keeps spilling this pot of chili everywhere and just trying to get it together but obviously failing.
I'm just so tired of it all. I'm tired of being so lonely and having anxiety 100% of the time, and not feeling liked or appreciate by my job or my internship and just feeling like I'm spilling feces-looking-chili all over my life.
Lastly someone very important to my development as a human being, and the closest person I've ever had to a Grandmother passed away yesterday. I will write more about her when I'm ready. But for now I'm just going to say, I'm very very sad and frustrated, I should've contacted her when I had the chance but instead I was too wrapped up in my own pathetic New York life that I didn't, and I will never quite forgive myself for that.
Paired that with poor eating habits, bad sleeping habits and listening to a lot of Joni Mitchell and I'm a complete sad sack. I feel like I'm letting my friends down, my family down but most of this is my completely projecting because I feel like I'm letting my self down. I just need to catch a fucking break and get myself out of this funk, so hopefully actually putting it out there and telling you guys about it, you guys can help me.
I'll take any advice if you've ever felt like this. And until then lets all just hold hands and cry together, that kind of all I've been in the mood for lately because in addition to being physically tired, I'm tired of being sad news bears all the time!
Love you all so very much,
Sasssquatch aka Caelan