1/10/20

Dust Yourself Off and Try Again


Hey friends, 

I'm almost 27 (can you believe I started this blog when I was 16!?), and I miss writing. Over the years that I’ve stopped blogging regularly, I have had a lot of realizations, experiences, and mistakes that I think I may be ready to share again with whoever reads this. 

The choice to begin blogging again could be a means of coping with the crushing reality that I live a fun, weird, but very normal life. Or maybe choosing to blog again will be a way of retaining all the crazy things that I’ve learned throughout my time off this blog? Or perhaps I’m just kind of tired of the current depressing social media landscape and crave solace elsewhere? 

Regardless – as I’m currently writing this, it feels right, so I’m gonna go with it. 

There are several reasons why I fell off the blogging universe. 
A) I had a big realization that I don't always like the process of writing. The labor of love that is writing and editing has always made me feel sorta anxious. Anxious to get everything that I’m thinking out as fast and as perfect as possible. I have ideas in my head, but I would get extremely frustrated when I actually put my pen to paper (or keys to the keyboard...lol you get it). Pair that with insecurity in my own technical abilities and the extreme pressure of my former dreams of fame and fortune, and BAM, my fingers became paralyzed while hovering over my keyboard. I would compare myself and my writing to Tavi Gevinson, and Helen Gurley Brown, and wallow in self-pity. I would ask myself questions like, “will I ever be a good writer? Will I ever make a big impact on the world?” But I never really took the time to realize that if I’m not enjoying the process, my work will reflect that.

B) It’s 2020 – let’s be honest, who blogs anymore anyway? 

C) I’m a 26-year-old “urban professional” (barf) living in New York, and honestly, I’m swamped and exhausted. ALSO, the perspective of a young white girl who moves to New York to pursue a career in journalism/writing isn’t necessarily a fresh one. 

D) I actually really like privacy. I’ve found that I'm very anxious that the things I say now, I'll find cringey or regrettable in a year, and that has held me back from publishing content. (I probably should’ve thought about this type of thing more when I was younger, but maybe that’s part of the fun of being 17 and writing a blog?) 

I have a lot of conflicting feelings at the intersection of my love of privacy and my equal love of sharing my feelings – there are things I want to share, but I also don't feel comfortable sharing. I don't want to put my ex-boyfriends, ex-best friends, or former employers on blast (although some of them deserve it). The more significant realization I’ve had is that I’ve been afraid to put myself on blast. Being vulnerable is HARD.

Humans are flawed, and we make mistakes, and we’re pretty dumb most of the time, but we’ve set a standard on the internet that we need to portray our lives as PERFECT. This isn’t a new thing either when I read my old posts, I often wonder who I was I even writing to? I think I was writing from the perspective of another fake, “perfect” version of myself that was an authority on anything and everything I wrote about. In reality, I can safely say that the only thing I’m an authority on is the Sabrina The Teenage Witch magical universe, and externally processing my feelings.  

I've tried to move past the days where I pretend my life is perfect, although we’re all guilty of making Instagram our highlight reel. I've grown and learned more in these past 5 years in New York than I did throughout my college years. And just because I didn’t publish anything to this blog doesn’t mean that I didn’t write stuff down throughout these years. 

Maybe I’ll share some of these stories, adventures, and mistakes with you all, or perhaps you won’t see another post till I do an update in 2030. Either way, this blog is as clunky and cringey, and emotional as I am, and I think it’s time I brush the dust off this baby and give it some love. 

Till next time!
xoxox
Caelan 

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