8/5/17

SUMMERTIME SUCKS

Hey Pussycats,

SO, I know I didn't post yesterday or the day before, BUT I HAVE EXCUSES.

I started writing this really funny piece on Thursday that I actually think I'm going to try to pitch to some places, which is kinda the whole point of this experiment, right? I am currently in this spot where I'm being forced to "freelance" so I need all the money I can get tbh.

Which leads me to why I didn't post on Friday...bleh

Basically, I lost my full-time job because of a lack of budget and now I'm in this weird in-between where I have a weekend gig and a freelance gig but I'm DESPERATELY searching for a full-time gig.

You guys, I've been in this weird in-between for basically three months now and it is TERRIBLE.

I'm extremely lucky for having the support system that I do and that I moved into a cheaper apartment before all this happened because if not I would be back home by now, for sure.

As mentioned previously, this has been a very tough year for me. And I've gone through the ringer being forced to reflect on myself, my and others actions and what has happened this year and the biggest conclusion I've come to is that life is just not fair.

I know this sounds obvious to most of you, but being the headstrong Aquarius that I am, I'm OBSESSED with fairness and justice. So the fact that life has been putting me through the ringer has been really frustrating to me because I don't know how to navigate it. I've bought Wiccan candles and I've been in therapy and I've been trying to pray and all sorts of different measures to ensure that my luck will change, but I guess I've just realized that sometimes things just happen because they happen.

WOW, this is depressing. And tbh, my depression has half to do with my job situation and half to do with a personal emergency that happened earlier in this year that I'm simply not ready to talk about publically, but if I'm being so honest, I'm very sad and very frustrated rn.

It's not that I feel like I deserve a nice and easy life, no one is entitled to that, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that if something really bad happens to you, that the universe will continue throwing you good and bad things completely random despite your trauma.

Yesterday I got another job rejection that just cut me to my core, this specific job lead me on like a bad unofficial boyfriend for MONTHS and just let me know that they probably don't have the budget for me.

I'm just SO frustrated because I just want a job. I want a 9-5, I want to buy fancy pens and a new planner – I just want to feel like my old self again. I just want to work towards something again and have personal goals for myself again and instead, I feel like I'm getting cabin fever held up in my tiny apartment.

I have no money and WAY too much time, and I know I'm lucky for that because free time is a privilege that not a lot of people have, but at this point, I feel like it's driving me INSANE and all I want is to be too busy to function.

I want to feel like the old Caelan again and I feel like for whatever reason the universe has forced me to change and is now forcing me to be reflective and I'm OVER it.

Have you ever been out of a job? It BLOWS. If you have any tips for me that would be GREATLY appreciated.

I hate writing these sort of journal-y type posts that don't end on a happy note because I'm not trying to totally depress y'all. My intention here is to just be very very honest because social media can be so fake at times, and that's coming from someone who loves it.

SO THAT BEING SAID, send me some suggestions of your favorite things to do in the summer when you're sad. I'm just so sensitive and little rn, I need all the suggestions I can GET.

Also, I promise fun and silly posts are on the horizon!

Keep it sassy,
xoxo
Caelan

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