4/9/17

Anyone Else Feel Like Their Life is Low-key Falling Apart?

Aloha Pussycats,

It has been a hot minute since we've caught up.

Currently, I'm laying on my unmade bed, wrapped in a scraggly, eggplant colored towel from my Freshman year of college that has seen better days. My hair is in a floppy bun, and I am accidentally soaking my bed sheets from the water droplets that were still on my back because I'm terrible at properly drying myself off from my showers (I'm def an adult).

I'm trying to absorb all of the me-time I can get before I move back in with roommates this Saturday, which is a decision I am 90% super happy and excited about. It is, however, undeniable that there are certain things I will miss about living completely alone – mainly that I will probably have to cut down the super loud crying, me belting 2010 Justin Bieber ditties, and the nudist habits I've developed this past year.

I'm encroaching on my 3rd anniversary of living in New York and I have to say I feel a bit weird. Never in my life have I felt two completely opposite ways about myself. On one hand, for the first time ever, I feel like I'm running towards myself, into my very own arms. I'm running in slow motion on a sunset soaked white beach in a corny but low-key beautiful moment of self-love, self-acceptance, and self-realization. This has a lot to do with me being in therapy for over a year. Unpacking my actions and the motivation behind them has really helped me feel close to myself. I realize now the root of a lot of my issues and I can catch myself in unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors.

But on the other hand, there are still days where I feel like I couldn't be running away from myself any faster. My actions feel foreign, my emotions feel stronger than my rational thoughts and I can't crack certain issues that seem to persist such as my anxiety and temper. I feel like my internal self-hatred has manifested into Godzilla, slowly rising from the water, but then leading to a lot of destruction and emotional chaos. I've been having issues with self-control, and short bursts of sobbing at the drop of a hat, luckily I haven't developed any SUPER unhealthy coping mechanisms, however, it's terrifying when you feel like you don't understand yourself.  

I'm going to cut it to you so straight, last month had been DISASTROUS for me. Work trouble, friend trouble, love trouble, health problems and so on. In my darkest days, after my tear tank ran empty and my antibiotics made me feel queasy, I def turned into the black diablo sauce packet from Taco Bell and was SPICY to everyone. This is something I'm really sad and disappointed with myself about. I know a lot of issues were out of my control and I shouldn't beat myself up too much for getting depressed and "extra" but I just felt so out of control about everything.

It's the least original thought ever to say that I'm terrified of the unknown. The uncertainty of my career, ESPECIALLY considering the industry that I chose, really freaks me out. My sexuality and my the pattern of ephemeral and emotionally unavailable partners I encountered after my breakup really freaks me out. But this current bad patch that I'm going through really has me feeling like I'm at Trader Joes on a Sunday at noon: overwhelmed, anxious, confused and stressed tf out (Also why can't I ever find the granola?).

I'm not particularly religious, I'm not not religious, but I'm not religious if that makes any sense (stay with me here). But when shit gets wacky, I can't help but feel like I'm not able to wrap my brain around any of it. Did I fuck something up Karma wise? Do I talk too much shit because sometimes I rely on shit-talking to find a common understanding with coworkers or friends? Should I have given the Showtime kids on the subway money cause I secretly did enjoy their dance moves? Am I a terrible lover, who lets people emotionally in, exposes my heart and tries to see theirs only to fold up my suitcase and take the first out I get the second things are less than perfect?

Did I accidentally break a mirror or let a black cat cross my path?

Or is this ~someone's~ plan for me? I recently listened to NPR's How I Built This podcast (a podcast about how successful business moguls built their empires) and I heard something that really stuck with me. In an interview with Nolan Bushnell (who invented Atari AND Chuck E. Cheese), he said: "there's no question that a good failure is good for your soul, there is nothing worse than feeling like you're invincible and really cool and entitled." While I think it's bold to say that I was feeling invincible cause let's be honest, ya girl has trouble being happy even when shit is great, but he does have a point. I know in my heart that the times where you struggle are the times where you grow, you gotta stretch your leaves to catch the sunlight right? but god damn it's hard.

I also can't help but feel so self-involved to make this ENTIRE blog post because I feel like it's VERY woe is me. I know that my issues are tiny in the grand scheme of the world. I'm living in New York, I have wifi and food and a family that loves me and I would hate for a second if anyone thought that I was this entitled, snobby idiot who ran into a patch of bad luck and is now flipping out about it (which is maybe the case tbh who tf knows). BUT I'm writing all of this out in hopes that someone can relate, and maybe feel comfort in finding a space on the internet that isn't perfectly articulated sunshine and rainbows like your current Instagram feed. Trust me, you will experience NO FOMO HERE on dailysass.com.

Over these past three years in New York, I've shied away from this blog because I felt insincere writing to you if I didn't have the answers. If I didn't end things on a positive note why would anyone want to read this? New York has mustered up the worst imposter syndrome in me, especially when it comes to my writing. Whether it be my difficulty with some grammar mechanics or my ex-boyfriend telling me that my writing "wasn't great," I've hidden this part of me and the habitual practice of getting my feelings down on concrete and have let all my feelings float away like an accidentally released pink balloon after a birthday party.

When cuties swerve you, when friends dump you, when jobs lay you off, when someone breaks a snapstreak, when you don't ace interviews or edit tests, it's SO HARD to not take that shit personally. When you can't fit your favorite summer dresses after a long winter of warm and delicious carbs, when you actually wished you were more hungover so that you could justify the chicken tenders and fries you just ordered for delivery, when you feel like there is absolutely NOTHING left to watch on Netflix, just know that I get it.

There is no hugely uplifting positive spin that I can give you at this very moment because as I mentioned, I have no answers, and I'm just floating through life just like you are. I need to stop taking comfort in the food I eat which I use as a crutch, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and simultaneously not beat myself up so much for being sad. I need to find a way to remind myself about the beautiful parts of my life too because there are so many beautiful moments. For example, waking up two mornings in a row with different friends sleeping next to me in my lumpy bed with our bodies perfectly parallel like we're two Twix bars in one package. I need to appreciate the fact that I can go to Trader Joes at 1 pm on a Wednesday right now, because when will I ever be able to say that I can do that. I need to appreciate the fact that despite the occasional times where I'm sometimes spicy, I also have a big heart and give really great hugs. But mostly I need to appreciate the random and potentially completely forgotten corner of the internet that is dailysass.com. It may be a bit dusty, but it will always be here for me and I have to be honest, it feels really good to be back.

Whoever reads this, thank you for putting up with my rambly ass. If you are feeling the same way hmu, we can be each others support systems when romantic entanglements dissolve or if you feel uncomfortable spilling your T around your friends because some of them are "evil homegirls."

I hope you have a really really lovely night/day/vacation idk your life!

Maybe I'll start writing more of my feelings out here, I've missed writing more than you can imagine.

xoxo
Caelan 

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