12/20/15

Where Do I Go From Here?

Dear Pussycats,

How are you doing? Is anybody online? Sometimes I feel like I'm speaking to an empty AOL chatroom with the username l0tsofF33lingz, or writing a note on a ripped-out scrap of composition book paper with a sparkly pink gel pen that missed the recipient and ends up crumbled and swept up into a janitors dustpan.

It's interesting because, before the internet, strong, powerful day-dreaming girls of yesterday wrote their dreams, fears and wishes in journals or diaries for no one but their pesky little brothers, or snoopy mothers to see.

Because I'm the insecure girl that I am, I want to be liked, I would love for this little blog that I've written over the span of almost 5 years (YAY!) to mean something, I want internet friends and I would love to share and create with y'all.

In high school I used to spend about 8 hours of my day on the internet, making friends, creating photography, and sharing every thought that crossed my mind. While these thoughts ranged from the obnoxiousness of my latest substitute teacher, to why boys "don't like me," to my obsession with Skins - I was a complete and total open book.

As I've grown up, I've distanced myself from the internet. Ever since my first day of college I stopped using tumblr as much and my posts on this blog became a lot farther and fewer between. While I did have a resurgence when I relaunched this blog, a lack of interest on the readers part has always been one of my biggest concerns.

Do people actually read this? Do people actually care? And those questions apply to all of my various social media networks. Do people care what I am doing? Am I special enough?

Sometimes when I'm on tumblr or twitter I feel like I'm looking at the internet through a looking-glass - it's this glowing and growing digital community with inside jokes, happy, gorgeous people and then there is me, separate from it all.

I really want to be a part of it, but I totally feel like the girl who didn't get invited to prom - sitting in my bedroom, starring at the big ole paper moon in the sky, writing in my pink leather-bound journal with a fluffy pen and eating twinkies in a seafoam green, velour juicy tracksuit.

I don't know if I'm just jaded from my days of being a social justice warrior, or if I've learned a little bit about discretion over the years, but either way I feel like you guys are all iPad pro's and I'm a floppy disk!

Overnight, the girl who once put "a thousand followers on tumblr" as one of her senior year accomplishments doesn't know how to use Snapchat filters, or really even the proper purpose of Snapchat. I feel like my infrequent posting doesn't help to cultivate and maintain an audience, but also feeling like I'm speaking to no one can be a little bit discouraging.

You might be wondering if there are any metrics I can look at on my blog, but considering Google hasn't updated Blogger since 2003, I'm not sure how accurate any of it is.

When we build these social media profiles, or a blog like this, they act as representations of ourselves, and when people don't seem interested why wouldn't we take that personally?

Another thing you might be wondering is why I'm expressing these feelings when my posts have been less than regularly for over a year now, and that is totally a fair criticism. I do need to blog more, but struggling with job security, commute troubles and anxiety, unfortunately lead to me putting this blog on the back burner.

Despite all of it, I need you to know that as long as there is a Caelan Hughes, there will always be a Daily Sass. Because at the end of the day, this blog is my happy place.

But I guess I wanted some insight from you guys as my friends about where we could all go from here? What content do you want to see? What are your tips for anxiety? DO ANY OF YOU NEED A FRIEND!? Lets chat!

Keep it sassy,
xoxo
Caelan

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