This is a story that takes place back home in Honolulu.
I was briefly seeing this boy who was cute and perfect for me in theory (he wore glasses and took photos…I didn’t have a lot of non-negotiables back then) and I was vaguely smitten. I mean, I liked the idea of him, but I wasn’t sure if I actually liked him. My feelings for him were sort of like my feelings for the actress Anne Hathaway, she’s been in great movies, she even cross-dressed in Jenny Lewis’s “One of the Boys” music videos, but for the life of me I just don’t like her. Or like my feelings for chiptole, I should love it, but idk, I just don’t think it’s worth the hype...I digress.
Anyway this boy was fine or whatever, but he kept doing little things that irked me. First of all, he was 23 or something, and still told that’s-what-she-said jokes. I’m sorry, but unless you’re the ignorant slut Michael Scott, that shit aint cute. He would also get visibly upset when I did little things wrong like leave my computer charger in several knots or leave my camera on automatic focus, it was so arbitrary but he would have to comment on it.
Weirdness began to elevate when I found out he was telling people about our sex-life, which in my opinion wasn’t even tumblr worthy due to the fact that it was always in a car (what are we, 16-year-olds in a John Hughes film?) but I mean, regardless of the fact that in the words of Lil John, I’m “a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets,” he should keep that shit to himself (again, are we in a John Hughes film, did he steal my granny panties and dramatically present them in the boys locker room drumroll and all?).
At this point I was getting frustrated and I was 102% over it, however I thought I’d give him one last shot. I drove to his house on the opposite side of the island and picked him up to take photos. Every time he’d touch me my skin would crawl and my mind was flooded with memories of every time he nit-picked me for something stupid and how horrible that made me feel about myself, and at that moment I definitely knew I was NOT feeling it. Regardless, I shook it off put a smile on my face and agreed to let him to take photos of me, (not n00ds) when we wrapped up I knew for sure that I was done.
As I pulled up to his house around 3PM, he looked at me and said “hey, wanna *wink wink* my parents left the house?” I laughed in his face, there wasn’t ANY way I’d be having an afternoon-delight with him with the off chance that his parents could walk in, not to mention I really wasn’t feeling him anyway.
So I turned to him and said, “yeah, no I’m good” to which he responded, “but Caelan, I took your pictures,” I then replied, “I drove to the opposite of the island!” I will never forget this smug mother-effer's reply for the rest of my life, he said, “but Caelan, I bought you coffee”………. yes, let that sink in, he was actually implying that because he bought me coffee, he was entitled to have sex with me.
I’m sorry but let’s be real, if I was a prostitute I would be one of those cool high-class prostitutes that they make Lifetime Original movies about (no shame on sex-workers tho), not one who get’s paid in $2 cups of coffee (despite how desperate I’ve gotten around finals week). Also how disgusting is it that he not only did he not respect the fact that I said “no” the first time, but tried to plead and barter with me and ultimately try to manipulate the situation in favor of his peen.
I laughed even harder in his face and said “I’m SO sorry, would you like your $2 back?” and demanded he leave my car.
He later apologized saying blah blah blah he’s sorry and he “understands if I don’t want anything to do with him.” Point blank, his behavior was crazy manipulative and uncool. I was just like “yeah dude, I need some space” and never really talked to him again.
Do I feel bad for posting this on the Internet with the off-chance that he might see it? A little, because I’m still a human. However his behavior was NOT okay and it makes me laugh thinking about just how entitled he was. I’m not perfect in any relationship, I’m loud, sometimes immature, and I can be very heartless sometimes, however one of my ultimate deal-breakers is lack of respect and consent. In the words of Chili, T-Boz and Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez, I DON'T WANT NO SCRUBS, okay?
So what have we learned from this story:
- If you’re older than 18 make sure either you or your partner has their own place, because sneaking around and having sex in a car is not cute and leads to really awkward sex that can’t never be undone.
- Don’t date people who don’t make you feel like a brownie in the microwave. I dated this guy for about a month and the whole time I felt awkward around him and he made me feel stupid and he wasn’t funny and I stayed around all because I was hoping it would get better. Trust me, it will not get better.
- Consent is everything. No one is entitled to sex for any reason, especially not for a $2 cup of coffee.
- Don’t date anyone who still does “that’s-what-she-said” jokes
I hope you enjoyed this little anecdote.
Has anyone every attempted to negotiate sex with you after buying you a $2 cup of coffee? Because I sincerely hope not.
Keep It Sassy,
Sasssquatch aka Caelan