9/3/13

My Moment.

My moment.




In April I was completely down and out. I was crying every day, swirling down the educational bathtub drain with late assignments, poor grades and the more than occasional absence. I felt like I had no friends, and no butts to touch. Literally everything made me cry, whether it was my perspective french grade, Toddlers in Tiaras or even burning my tongue on hot soup, my face was Niagara Falls. I was just a vulnerable and emotional hot mess and I didn't know what to do. I was constantly buried under homework and unwashed clothing and my ant hill of things to do turned into Mount Fuji really fast. I would just lie in my bed and cry not wanting to do anything. I started freaking out about stuff I didnt even have control over, like my future, how my career will pan out and whether or not you guys like my blog. Additionally I began to resent everyone whose lives seemed easier, while simultaneously pushing anyone else away. I turned to tumblr in my moments of sadness with posts saying:

Feeling nervous and vaguely itchy about my classes
I really REALLY need to pass
:/
I feel like crying

and I posted this as well

That moment when you wake up and your heart hearts a lot
and for that split second between being awake and asleep you can't remember what happened or why you are upset, but you just feel sore.
Then you remember, you have some coffee and you begin to swallow all the sadness, to fester in your belly for as long as necessary
I wish I could fall back asleep

When I read those back I hear Mad World by Gary Jules from Donnie Darko playing softly in the background lol.

I didn't realize how ridiculous I sounded at the time, but I do remember how I felt so incredibly shitty. And things kept getting worse and worse till one day they got better. When times are really shitty, just bottom of the barrell-havent bathed in three days-over caffeinated and fucking shitty, you are allowed to wallow, you are allowed to cry and slam doors. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE UPSET. But, you can only be upset until you have your moment.

This "moment" is the moment you realize things are FINALLY going to get better. Its weird "that moment," you can't force it, you can't wait for it, it kind of just, happens.


My moment happened to be a 75 on my french test. One might think a 75 isn't the great grade but to me, this 75 signified so much more. This 75 on my french test meant that I passed that test, when I thought I failed. That 75 meant that everything wasn't as shittastic as I thought it was. That silly little 75 meant that I was okay, for the first time in awhile I felt okay, and that was more than okay. My teacher returned my test with a look of dismay, to which I thought in response "are you kidding me, I got a 75, I passed, I AM SO HAPPY!" I floated out of class that day, I, Caelan Hughes, passed this test, and I will pass this class, and everything will be okay, and trust me, everything will be okay for you too.

While school just began, I've found myself already overwhelmed by the work that is in front of me, but its okay, especially considering September is always a really sad month for me due to personal reason,  I just need to remember that I will have my moment soon enough, I just need to wait it out.

There is truth behind the countless "it gets better" campaigns. But life isn't so simple, yes it gets better, but it might get worse again, then it'll get better, then it'll get worse, that is life. Life is always changing, it is a mix of the really shitty times, equally paired with the really fucking awesome times. Life ebbs and flows just like the waves of the ocean, life is fickle, life is annoying, life is stupid but mostly beautiful. And when ruff waters are ahead, fear not tiny mermaid, you will see the sun rise above that goddamn horizon soon enough, and if not I'm sure there are  some hunky pirates are in your future.

How've you been feeling lately,
I wrote this post awhile ago but rereading it made me really happy
Let me know if you ever need to talk if you haven't reached your moment yet

Have a great day and please 
keep it sassy
xoxoxox
Sasssqutach

3 comments:

  1. I always delight in passing grades as well, when teachers expect us to be so ho-hum about it! I really think the grading scale is messed up. Doing half the effort of an assignment still means you're failing, and in some places (like my old school) you need at least a 77 to get a C! That's insane to me, because 75 cents is way closer to a dollar than zero!

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  2. I so totally get you! Life is nothing but ups and downs. The downs can feel unbearable, but then the ups somehow make everything seem worth it. :) PS - Said this once before, but I really do love your blog!

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  3. Thank you so much for writing this. I was feeling quit down when I read this and it's honestly exactly what I needed to hear to calm my school related anxiety. Thanks for making me feel a bit better :)

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