Beep Beep.

The Story of Sasssquatch Behind the Wheel.
(please listen to this song while reading this post)

*disclaimer* I am a bad driver because I am an occasionally absent minded space cadet whose head happens to stay in the clouds resulting in eyes leaving the road NOT BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN. *disclaimer*

With a disclaimer like that I have to begin.

When I was 15 and a half ish, I thought in the back of my mind, I should probably learn how to drive, most humans do it, and heck it can't be that hard right?

Little did I know that I would be in for a serious treat. I signed up for drivers ed from a local instructor where I sat and was yelled at about how much of a risk I would be on the road, how I would kill everyone I saw, and how practically every time I drove I would pulled over. These classes took place at the rival all girls school and they were 8 hour long sessions over the course of 3 weekends. They killed my soul, not only did I begin my fear of driving from that course itself, but I also had no friends except this random rebel kid who would smoke in the building and said "what you like?" to my instructor as if to actually initiate a fight with our short, balding, scrappy instructor.
In class we were told lessons like "Go out, smoke, drink, get wasted, but if you do it while driving, you will kill someone and spend your life in prison," and the "nomad principle" which went something like "when driving remember me nomad at you, you nomad at me," (and people think I lie about living in Hawaii.)

Anywho after all was said and done, I began behind the wheel
lets just say driving around in a car with two steering wheels that reeks of menthol cigarettes and macadamia nuts while listening to "sexual heeling" with said 60 year old hobbit of a man, may be one of the most awkward experiences of my life.

Anywho long story short, the process of actually getting my license took over 2 years,
I tried and failed
and tried and failed
and tried and failed
and tried and failed
and tried and failed
and tried and failed
and cried my eyes out each and every time making not only my instructor feel awkward but unintentionally making my mom feel as if she failed me :(
It wasn't her fault! I'm just a reckless driver when I get nervous, I mean should I really have been docked points for almost hitting a pedestrian, I totally paused!!!

then one day I pumped myself up, today was my day
I walked into the DMV and got assigned to the 70-year-old Filipino Elvis impersonator. 
I heard he was tough, but after two years of attempts I thought, why the eff not.

I sat down in the car and he joined me
he looked right at me and said "is this your first time taking the test"
and I said "no sir"
he then asked "second?"
and I said "no sir"
he got all the way to seventh when I finally responded "yes sir" and he said "okay, you're gonna get your license"

He took me around the course and talked me through it docking me points only for signaling early
I parked after the 10 minute course and he looked at me and said "don't scream"
I was ELATED, I screamed my head off and my mom ran towards me and we were both crying

And of course, like the cheese ball I was I took photos

I posted all about it on the Facebook
danced around town, to this day, getting my license is one of my biggest accomplishments
our test is really difficult here, jus saying

Anywho so I was stoked on life, driving without a car and then one day while I was trying to park for school, I got a little too distracted and forgot to put my car in drive and reversed into our school van
and I wasn't even trying to stick it to the man

Then I had another crash later where I smashed the entire back window
(sadly I have no photos from that)

I had bad luck!

From then we got it all fixed and things were fine
I was sharing my moms car and she let me have it as much as I could.
Two years rolled by and everything was fine. I was promised my own car but I didn't see any signs of it and it was fine, whatever, I didn't mind sharing!

But then one day when my parents were out of town, I had the car all to myself
I was driving around with the dreamboat (who is no longer MY dreamboat, that story is for another time) and I even parallel parked for the evening.
I was so proud of myself I even instagramed my parking skills

Little did I know at the time, that this would be the last time I saw the car in one piece.
as I was walking to my car the next morning to drive myself to work, this happened.

It was seriously something out of a movie. 

What happened was, the night prior a drunk driver was speeding down Dole St. and hit the car behind me, rammed into my car which then got shoved into the car in front.

Luckly as it happened the cops caught him and I was given a police number
but this didn't help the fact that I was car less AND IT ACTUALLY WASNT MY FAULT.
This broke my heart because I know Im a bad driver but the fact that the time it actually gets totaled had nothing to do with my actual skills broke my heart.

My parents got back into town and bought my mother a brand new mercedes that of course I couldn't drive.
So I was stranded for three months, of course I took the bus, but public transportation here SUCKS and I hate it and I'm a princess goddamnit. 

So I tried my hardest not to complain, (gosh I sound like Veruca Salt don't I) and I asked for rides from everyone, and spent about three hours of my time waiting, but it was okay! I learned to take the time for rides as a positive time to bond with whoever was kind enough to give me a ride.

Then today, today was the best day ever
After getting sushi my sister and I came home to see a new car in the parking lot

A toyota corolla with my name on it
(the flowers are for decoration and to hid my license plate duhh)

So people
I took it for a spin, drove all the way to the other side of the island so I could drive through the Starbucks drive through and may I just say, I've never had a vanilla latte taste as sweet.

I hit all the green lights and even got some awesome jamz on the radio
Mr. Jones by the Counting Crows
Can't Stop by Red Hot Chili Peppers
that one song by Mumford and Sons
Pocket Full of Sunshine by Natasha One hit Wonder.
and ended the drive with Are You That Somebody by Aaliyah

all I want for Christmas is car things
cute stickers
air freshners
dashboard dice
key chain stuff

gah I'm so excited 

Tell me, am I the worst driver you ever heard of?
Also, can you believe I've yet to get pulled over?
have a lovely day people
and please keep it sassy


  1. Lucky! I am scared of being behind the wheel because my anxiety tells me I will crash and hurt someone so I never risk it. Luckily I have a wonderful boyfriend that likes driving me places. Plus, even if I wanted a car there is no way in hell we could afford one right now. We can barely afford keeping his! (money sucks). But.... congrats, I'm so happy for you! You are NOT a bad driver!!!!