11/21/11

A Series of Anecdotes about Being Raised By Ron Swanson.

If any of you have seen the television show Parks and Recration you must be completely obsessed with dear old Ron Swanson.



He is captivating in a magical way, his brash, short responses and lackadasiacle attitude inspire each of us to hate people and to love breakfast food. Ron Swanson is the physical embodyment of the American Dream, not because he came from nothing into extreme success, but as I mentioned before, he is hungry and Patriotic all while not giving an eff about the majority of things.

While Ron Swanson is a fictional character, my father, obviously is not.

Meet Ferrell Hughes

Father of four young women,
Vice president of an international produce exporting company
Barbeque enthusiast 
and most obviously my father. 


Why I compare him to Ron Swanson is because, well he simply is Ron Swanson.

I have a few different stories I'd like to tell you all, simply proving my thesis.

1) The Story of "Friendship"
This story begins on a sunny afternoon in 1996.  I was merely a bouncing baby while my sister Hayley was in kindergarten. Hayley came home crying one day after school. Concerned of course, Daddy takes her into his room, sits her on the bed and asks her "what's wrong." She goes on a blubbery  half-crying half-gasping for air, half- speaking rant about how her friends ran away from her during recess. My father then looks her dead in the eye and says, "Hayley, friends are overrated." While Hayley gazed back at him bewildered by his blunt claim, he goes onto explain that sisters are the only thing that matters...EVER. He then stares at her for a little bit longer and lets her go.  

2) The Hughes Family Rules
Since I can remember my father instilled 3 rules into our heads.
He'd repeat them and repeat them, until it was second nature
they were as followed
-Listen to your mother.
(we'd follow her around like four little ducklings and not listening was not an option)
-Be nice to your sisters.
(this one was much tougher to follow. Every time we got in a fight he remind us what the second rule was, make us repeat the rules then he forced us to hug, which was more like two angry little girls flailing their arms around each other with very sad and still angry dispositions.)
-Do well in school.
(Our father was so adamant on this early on, I remember him forcing me to go up to my kindergarten teacher to ask if there was any extra credit I could do...do kindergartners even need extra credit?)

3) Pappa Hughes and the Zombie Apocalypse
When I recently asked my father how he'd handle a zombie apocalypse he responded in the most Swansony way possible, he said "I would be the last human to survive, I would outlive all the zombies because I dont believe they exist" do I even need to continue?

4) The Green Egg
Pappy Hughes is a barbeque/meat connoisseur so after many years using the generic all American Grill he invested in this weird new-age grilling device called "The Green Egg" that smokes meat like a baby dragon. So while assembling it inside he realized that it was too large for our tiny door way. So instead of disassembling it like most average people do, he manages to get it through the tiny doorway with severe twisting, turning, blood, sweat and grease, it was broken but it was still done! He smoked whole chickens, turkeys and the occasional landshark. He also recently invested in a chinese cooking box called "La caja"....to say he is excited for Thanksgiving is an understatement.

5) Ferrell Hughes and his love for the Giants.
Now I don't know about Ron Swanson love for sports but my fathers admiration and major obsession with the Giants is true love. As everyone should know the Giants won the 2010 world series, but leading up to their victory my father and I watched many a game together. He would rearrange his hat on his head, and the remotes on his stool if the game wasnt going well, he thought it was some sort of voodoo magic. But the best part of watching a game with my father are his one-liners, he repeats the status of the game "two balls, two strikes, two balls, two strikes," and would drop these priceless oneliners my all time favorite thing he yelled during a game was "PUT SOME MUSTARD ON THIS FUCKER AND GET HIM OUT"


6) Tahi and Moanna
One time my dad thought it would be a good idea to buy wildcats instead of domesticated ones.
I repeat, WILD CATS
They would stick their paw out of the cage and open it themselves.
They clawed all of us and they would'nt cuddle or do anything fun
I...dont understand the thought behind this Swansony action

7) Ferrell Hughes Margarita Ratio
in order to make a proper Margarita your cup has to be
1/10 Mix
9/10 Jose Quervo Gold.
My dad is the most intense person I've ever met.


He isnt just Ron Swanson, he is so ridiculous if I didnt know him I'd swear he didnt exist, he is too outlandish for any human to quite possibly fathom, but thats why I love him. And if you havent noticed, I'm virtually the spitting image of my father and I gotta say my future looks pretty damn bright.

And on that note I'll be off for now If I come up with anymore stories I'll add them

Ta Ta for now
and please keep it Swansony
xxoxoxoxoxooxxoxooxoxoxoxoxxox

3 comments:

  1. Oh my god I'm so jealous that you have a real life Ron Swanson! "put some mustard on this fucker" dear lord...laughing to myself. Loved the post!!

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  2. I am sad to admit I have never seen "P&R" because I don't have TV (one of those weirdos) but your dad sounds like the most amazing dude ever, and I totally love it when people are super into their parents.

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  3. Pretty scarf! =)

    http://pinkchampagnefashion.blogspot.com/

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