"I Go To Seek The Great Perhaps"

Death is a really strange thing.

I know we all remember where we were when 9/11 happened.
My mother and her generation remember where they were when JFK got shot.

These are huge milestones in American history.

But what about deaths much more close to home?

My grandparents died either before I was born or while I was a small child.
Besides my direct family, I dont have a large extended family.
And my friends are very healthy.

My closes instances to death were either a classmate having cancer, which she survived
and my best friend's suicide attempt which he survived.

But September 10, 2011 my world was flipped upside down.
I just met up with my friends Charlie and Maria and Charlie's foreign Exchange student,
we were walking on Keamoku street on our way to WalMart for some good teenage bored-induced fun when I got a call from my sister.

Hayley called me and said "The craziest but sad thing just happened"
and I said "what?" thinking, idk, someone broke their foot or her computer hard-drive crashed
but then she said
"Sascha Franzel is dead"

and with that sentence, my heart just stopped. 
I started crying immediately
my world just stopped. 

Sascha Franzel was a family friend that I've literally known since I was about 9 years old
She'd always been there,
we werent that close, but she was always there
and I was told she passed away

I then went home and cried with my friends and family and Paisley came over and was the best support system, being there while I cried and cried.

Paisley's childhood tiger named Flame was a great tear catcher

It was so rough
I had to get out of work and I wore black for a few days but then something hit me
while listening to R.Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" while eating icecream soup (yes you can laugh at my  ridiculousness)

There is no use crying over what I should've done
I should've spent more time with Sascha
I should've caught up with her one more time before she passed away

There is no use crying over what people deserve
because her mother and father didnt deserve this
She didnt deserve this, her life was so promising she was going to be a surgeon
and all the people who loved her didnt deserve this

Because my brother Sebastian taught me something very important (that he may or may not've stolen from Gandalf)

"Life is not about what we deserve, but what we do with what we get."

and he was so incredibly right.
My dad also gave me a gem of advice that I will keep with me forever
"Just because Sascha has passed away, doesnt mean you can't keep her with you, and keep her with you for the rest of your life"

and this is so true.

I also came to the personal decision that after my proper time of mourning I needed to start being happy, because Sascha was such a light, and loved making people happy that it would be a dishonor if I didnt cheer up for her. 

so I did a few different things to properly honor her memory:

The most cosmic one would have to be this ring.
I bought this kate spade ring a few hours before she left for solar space <3
The significance of this ring is that its a bow
people tie bows around their fingers to remember
It's a little known fact that the nerves that define your sense of touch on your index fingers are the ones with the quickest connections routed directly to the hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for memory. Tying a ribbon around the index finger means you constantly have a texture that's activating those nerves and thus keeping that part of the brain in alpha (high activity) mode. If you tie the ribbon (or wear a ring on your index finger, or any such apparatus) at the very moment you are trying to memorize something you mustn't forget later on, it associates that brain activity with said memory, keeping that pathway almost exclusively as a conduit for that memory.

so I wear it on my ring finger (just cause I dont like index finger rings)
to constantly remind me of her, to remind me to be patient and kind, to also remind me to make time for everyone and to remember that life is too short so I must do things!

Then I wore black (and dramatic makeup) to properly mourn her passing
heres a few looks

leading to the third thing I did for her

Paisley, Maria and I created a personal impromptu memorial for Sascha
We wore our sassiest black outfits
I said a few words

The sun was setting in the west
and I set a lei out to sea,
and in true Sascha Nature I just chucked it in!

And lastly
I bought a fish in her honor
her birthday wishes were for an aquarium and for all her loved ones to be safe, healthy and happy!
so since I'm safe, healthy and happy


its name is Sascha Fierce and lives in a pineapple under the sea!

So Rest In Peace Sascha Franzel 
We atleast made it to each others graduations <3


and you were the only one of us brave enough to set off the airhorns

May you float completely and totally at peace.

and I know in my whole heart that in in heaven you will ALWAYS be keeping it sassy,



  1. I'm really sorry for your loss, Caelan. This is a beautiful post, and I think you've done an amazing job honoring her memory.

  2. I am so sorry. That is just absolutely terrible. It's so hard to imagine people you weren't really close to but who were always there passing away. The story about your ring though is beautiful and you and your friends did a terrific job of honoring Sascha.
    My prayers are with you and Sascha's family.

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's always a terrible thing to lose someone that you care about, especially when it comes so quickly. Hope you feel better soon.